In Our Opinion: Larxene
by kyia713
Summary: Thirteen nobodies. Twelve of them are male. Just how do they get along with the only female member of the Organization? Find out what issues Organization XIII has with Larxene.
1. Prologue

**This is sort of an idea that just popped into my head and I had to do something with it...thus I present...my latest fanfic...(applause).**

**I love organization 13 but Larxene's the only girl. One girl and twelve guys? That's gotta be awkward. So what exactly do the men of the organization think of her? You're about to find out. This is pure silliness not meant to be taken seriously at all. It's suppose to make you laugh, got it memorized? (GET OUT OF HERE AXEL!)**

**Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts and all characters, places, etc. are the property of Square Enix. Otherwise Naminé would secretly be dating Riku. **

**Prologue-**

Organization XIII has issues. Yes, even a bunch of heartless shells with no emotions have issues. You spend like five minutes with them and you're ready to pull your own hair out. And stupid me, I just _had_ to send Xemnas that free coupon.

Okay, let me explain. You see I was going through this faze. Where I wanted to help people, right? Unfortunately for me a nobody isn't much help to anyone except other nobodies. Then I was struck with a brilliant plan. I would become the first nobody therapist! It seemed like the perfect situation.

I tried some of the lower ranking nobodies first. But all they did was stand there...and occasionally attack me. They really didn't open up to me about their problems. So I decided to try nobodies who were more like me. Organization XIII. So I sent them a coupon for one free therapy session to talk about any issues the Organization had to deal with. Yeah, like I said before and as I was soon to discover: Organization XIII has issues!

But Xemnas couldn't resist anything that was free and about a week after I had send him the coupon, thirteen nobodies appeared at my door ready for their 'therapy session.'

I tried to start with an open and frank discussion, but that was a stupid idea. Thirteen people talking at once, not good. So I (another stupid idea) decided to see them all one at a time and discover what their problem _really_ was. I called Xemnas in first and then I realized it. Organization XIII has issues!

-Naminé

**So that's just the prologue. I'll update soon I promise! It gets better really! Please R + R. Just to let me know if you like the idea. Anyone. Anyone at all. Okay I'll go now.**


	2. Hogging the Bathroom

**Wow. Thanks for the reviews/ Story Alerts! They make me smile! Now as I promised here is the second chapter-or first I guess: Xemnas' session with Namine.**

**Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is the property of Disney and Square Enix. Translation-NOT mine. Otherwise Xemnas would burst into song at random moments.**

**Note: This is Namine recording the therapy session Xemnas had with her. That means it's from Xemnas' point of view, got it?**

_Xemnas-_

Things have been going all right lately. Our plan to make ourselves whole by opening Kingdom Hearts is sure to be a success. But lately there seems to be some animosity between members of Organization XIII. The worst is with Larxene. I was one away from all boys. But she seemed perfectly able to blend in and give us an edge in our plans. I just didn't know all the things girls need.

Take last week for example. It was a normal morning in The Castle That Never Was. I was drinking my morning cup of coffee and looking over Saix's reports on the worlds we needed to establish our presence in. I was deciding who to send to which world when Demyx ran in doing the weirdest dance I've ever seen him do.

Now normally Demyx is a pretty good dancer so I had to ask him what was wrong.

"I got into a water drinking contest with Xaldin," he groaned, "I _really _have to go!"

"The bathroom is two floors up," I told him, at a loss to see why he was telling me this.

That's the only problem with our castle. Only one bathroom. But I had gotten a great deal when purchasing it and I didn't see how thirteen people using the same bathroom would be a problem.

"Larxene's in the bathroom," Demyx complained.

"Then wait for her to come out."

"That could take forever!" he cried.

"Tell her if she doesn't come out in five minutes, she'll be demoted to number thirteen."

Demyx looked confused, "Uh, okay..."

After Demyx left I returned to my report. I was deciding whether to send Axel or Demyx to the Underworld when Axel came in. I quickly stashed away the report. Axel always complains about where you send him. Though in my opinion, he belongs in the Underworld.

"Notice anything different?" he asked me.

"No..." I looked at his cloak. Axel was notorious for desecrating the Organization dress code. Three weeks ago he tried to cut off the sleeves of his cloak saying that "Girls dig the sleeveless look." I ordered him to sew the sleeves back on, though I suspect he may have designated that task to a lower member of the Organization since Roxas sported three new band-aids on his finders.

"How about my hair?"

"HOLY CRAP!" Axel's pride and joy was his red, spiky hair. Honestly he goes through more bottles of hair gel in a week than the rest of us go through in a month. Except for maybe Roxas. But now Axel's hair was flat. Flat, long and stringy. He _almost _could pass for a girl. Almost.

"Did we run out of hair gel again? I could swear there was some in the bottle when I used it this morning. Roxas must have used the rest. I'll have to remind Vexen to pick up some more when he goes shopping."

"We didn't run out! Larxene's hogging the bathroom! I can't get to my hair gel! If I don't gel it soon it will frizz! And you do NOT want so see me with frizzy hair!" the room suddenly felt warmer, as usual when Axel is in a temper.

"Calm down, Axel. Just wait for Larxene to come out of the bathroom. She shouldn't be that much longer."

"She better not be or I'll burn down the door!" Axel seethed.

"That's the spirit. Just wait and if she takes too long just burn down the door."

As Axel stalked out I quickly got out Saix's report. Maybe Demyx was the better choice. After all water was more efficient than the fires of the underworld, right? Too bad Demyx was such a horrible fighter. I marked Demyx on the Underworld report and then turned to Port Royal. Luxord seemed to be the most obvious choice, but Xigbar might do well, with that eyepatch of his. Too bad he watches too many old surf movies.

"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!" Marluxia screamed as he walked in, dragging Demyx by the collar.

I set down my report, "What's going on?"

"Demyx decided to water my rosebush!" Marluxia shouted.

"How...terrible? I fail to see what the problem is."

"I didn't mean to!" Demyx protested.

"Silence!" Marluxia thundered. Honestly, I didn't think a man with that girly hair could be that scary. "He WATERED my rosebush!"

"I don't understand," I told him.

"I had to go!" Demyx pleaded.

"You...OH!" I realized, "Why?"

"Larxene wouldn't come out of the bathroom!" Demyx said.

I rolled my eyes. "Marluxia let him go. Did you tell her what I told you to tell her?"

"She said if you tried to demote her you would no longer be Superior."

"WHAT!" I couldn't believe she would speak of me that way. "What does she mean by that?"

"Um, Superior?" Roxas walked into the room.

"What is it Roxas?" I didn't have time for his nosy, disrespectful, teen attitude. Unfortunately, he takes after Axel.

"I was wondering if you have any remedies for electrocution?" he asked.

That wasn't suspicious _at all_. "Why?"

"Axel tried to burn down the bathroom door...and Larxene electrocuted him," he said.

"WHAT?" Larxene was clearly out of control.

"He's just got some minor burns. But he did find out how to make his hair spiky without tons of hair gel," Roxas said.

I marched up the stairs to talk to her. Larxene was going to be lucky if she escaped this whole episode with _just _ a demotion. As soon as I reached the bathroom, I wrenched the door open and I was met with the most hideous creature I've ever seen. It was Larxene but her hair was worse than Axel's, her face was covered in strange green goo, and her eyes shone with fire.

"Unless you've found Kingdom Hearts, you better LEAVE!" she thundered.

I found myself staring at her face. "Whoa!" Roxas commented behind me, "Her face! It's green and ugly!"

Roxas discovered that day that you do not call a girl ugly and that being electrocuted _does_ make your hair spiky.

"WHAT?" Larxene screamed.

"It's just...you were taking a while. I don't think you were honoring the Organization code of shared bathroom use..." I began.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN BURN YOUR STUPID CODE! I'M USING THIS BATHROOM! GOT IT? UNLESS YOU WANT ME WALKING AROUNG LOOKING LIKE THIS," at this point she pointed to her ugly face, "THEN YOU'LL LEAVE ME ALONE! GET IT?"

"Uh, got it."

"GOOD!" she slammed the door in my face.

I suppose this little episode wasn't all bad. Now all of our male Organization members are up before six to use the bathroom before Larxene does. Marluxia's rose bush did die but Demyx bought him another one and promised to water it himself. Axel has gone back to using hair gel but Roxas saves us tons of money by getting shocked every morning. Stupid kid seems to really get a kick out of it. I just don't get why it takes females so long to get decent looking. Males, can be ready in five minutes, but females-hours. I suppose they are just naturally ugly.

_Namine's observations: Yeah right! I bet it takes him like an hour to get his hair in that ridiculous position! Girls take longer because guys have higher expectations and they only care about outward appearances! And we do stuff that guys don't, like floss and actually wash our hair. And put on deodorant. Xemnas is totally sexist. I recommend he gets a girlfriend or a hobby. Points to Larxene for putting him back in his place!_

**Okay that was it. Took me a little longer than expected to get this chapter up because writing from Xemnas' point of view stinks like Xemnas without deodorant. Hope I did okay-please let me know by Reading and Reviewing. Thanks again for the comments! **


	3. Movie Night

**Okay guys thanks once again for all the reviews/story alerts/etc. They make me happy! I'm glad you liked the first chapter and I hope you like the second one!**

**Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is the property of Disney and Square Enix. Also the movie titles I mention are the property of there respected owners I have no share in it! If I did Xigbar be much cuter.**

**Note: This is Namine's session with Xigbar. That means this is from Xigbar's point of view. Comprende? **

Superior said we had problems with Larxene? Me, I get along with everyone. Superior's just upset because he doesn't understand her. _I _understand women perfectly. That's why I have this scar. Looks cool, doesn't it. Girls flip out about it. They think it's cool. And it is.

I mean, okay, Larxene does get old sometimes. She totally ruined movie night last week. See, Xemnas had this idea that would encourage bonding in the Organization, right? Every week a different Organization member picks a movie we see, right? And it starts with Xemnas and goes all the way to Roxas. It's all part of the plan to get us educated to what the world is like.

So the first week Xemnas made us watch _Final Fantasy: Advent Children. _And the movie was like, weird. There was this character who looked and sounded _just _like Axel. Creepy. Otherwise the movie made like, no sense to me. Other than the cool sword fight at the end the whole movie just seemed like Roxas angsting. Only Xemnas and Axel seemed to like it. Axel followed me around for like, a week begging me to teach him to do his hair in a ponytail. And Xemnas stopped using all of the hair get and made his hair all straight-like. Then he ran around The Castle That Never was with this huge sword, shouting "I'm Sephiroth! Bow down before me!" It was weird!

So when it came turn for my movie I wanted a nice action movie, right? So I chose _Star Wars_, right? And everyone loved it. It was so cool, like all the shooting and the cool laser sword lightsaber things. Personally I think that I'm a secret Jedi. I could totally pull off the whole Darth Vader thing. Xemnas really liked it too. He was all for buying a Darth Vader Costume and making us all wear the stormtrooper costumes but when he saw how much the cost online the idea didn't seem so cool anymore.

Over the next few weeks we saw 

_Twister _with Xaldin, _Frankenstein _with Vexen, and _Rocky _with Lexaeus. And while I can't say those movies were as cool as 

_Star Wars _they were still pretty good.

Then when it was Zexion's turn we saw _Return of the Jedi. _And like, at first I didn't get it but after Zexion explained to me what had happened in the second movie I got it and it was cool. Xemnas _really _liked this one, especially the Emperor. In fact, that's where he got his inspiration for the whole, CLOAK thing. It works doesn't it? Gives us an error of threat and mystery. And it says "Too cool for you." We all pull it off rather well, but I'm the best!

When it was Saix's turn he made us all watch _Hannibal _ (I only threw up once but Roxas had nightmares for like three weeks), then Axel showed us _Backdraft _(figures that it was about fire), and the week after Demyx made us watch _Poseidon. _It was a tie between that and _The Little Mermaid, _but Demyx knows that if he chose that he'd get beat up.

Then Luxord made us watch _Lord of the Rings_, which surprised me because it doesn't seem like his style but he made us all place bets on what characters would live and which would die. Zexion had actually read the books so he ended up taking all my munny.

I was actually dreading Marluxia's turn because I thought it would be some movie about flowers, but he surprised me by showing _Final Destination._ The movie creeped out Roxas who gets these weird dreams (Xemnas bought him a nightlight but it's very hush-hush). Luxord tried to make us place bets during the movie and Larxene seemed to get pleasure out of everything that she saw. It's like other people in pain makes her happy, or something.

Then it was Larxene's turn and I wasn't too worried. I thought she'd pick another good one, but no! She made us all watch _The Notebook! _I mean why the heck does she want to watch a movie like that? She doesn't even have a heart, so it's not like she could be overcome with emotion, right? But no we had to sit threw the whole, flipping, movie, right? And it was LAME! I've never been so bored in my life.

I very politely asked Larxene why she had picked that movie, "What a lame movie. The sort of movie a _girl _would pick!"

Axel and Xaldin seemed to find this very funny.

"What are you saying?" Larxene glared at me, "You're saying I picked this movie because I'm a GIRL? THIS MOVIE HAS A LOT MORE SUBSTANCE THAN ANYTHING I'VE BEEN FORCED TO ENDURE THE LAST FEW WEEKS!"

"Whatever, man. Like, we all know that it's just a movie that's supposed to stimulate your emotions and-"

I was stopped because Larxene lunged at me and held me up by the throat, "If I want to watch a movie I'll pick any movie I feel like! UNDERSTAND?"

"Uh, yeah but-"

"NO BUTS!" Larxene shouted. Dang she could get really mad, "NOW IF WE HAVE TO HAVE THIS DISCUSSION AGAIN, I WON'T BE THE ONLY ONE IN THE ORGANIZATION WHO'S A GIRL!"

I don't remember what happened next because I kind of passed out. Or so Luxord says. And that's about it. As you can see I'm totally sensitive and girls dig me. Larxene's just weird, but she'll come on to me sooner or later. Hey when she comes in, can you put in a good word for me? I mean, you will put it a good word for me!

_Namine's observations: Did he just do the force-hand thing? Ok-ay. Delusional, nutcase. I recommend: SERIOUS HELP! And more chick flicks because Xigbar obviously doesn't get how good they are. More points to Larxene._

**Ok, that's it! Oh, and I really don't hate any of the movies mentioned above, I'm just poking fun at them. And Xigbar. This chapter was slightly more fun but the next one's going to be better, I hope. Please R+R. PLEASE! You WILL R+R (attempts to use the force on you). **


	4. A Virtual Reality

**Thank you thanks to you all! If I could give you all hugs I would, but as we live in a virtual world, I am somewhat limited in that regard. But I love you all anyways and offer you super virtual hugs. And on the subject of virtual reality-hope you enjoy this next chapter fresh off my brain for YOU! I tried to respond to all your comments too, so I hope I got to them all! :D**

**Disclaimer: Once again I don't own Kingdom Hearts (SOB). If I did, Xaldin would be a kleptomaniac in need of serious help. **

**Note: I think you've probably already realized this but it's from Xaldin's point of view. Understand? Namine also interjects several times during this session so her interjections are bold.**

**Warning: Spoilers for FF VII**

My name is Xaldin, number III in Organization XIII. Being number three, you would think the other members would respect me, but no! Whether it's Axel wanting to know how I braid my hair, or Marluxia ordering me around like he owns the world. I always have to suffer for-

**Namine: Xaldin. Xemnas mentioned some issues with Larxene.**

What? Larxene? You want to hear a story about Larxene?

**Namine: YES!**

Okay, I've got one:

It was as normal a day as you ever get in the World That Never Was. Recently Axel has taken up video games. At first no one would play with him but then eventually Vexen decided to try playing and he got hooked. We all though Axel had a problem when he started skipping meals and hiding out in his room while barking at anyone who passed his door.

But Vexen took that to a whole new level. He started missing Organization meetings and then he posted up this fan website in where he held discussions with people about the games he was playing and then he would walk up to us and ask us for strategies to beat the heartless boss. Now, we thought he was serious but when he explained all he had to defeat it was a lousy key (no offense to Roxas), we complained to Xemnas.

Xemnas doesn't like to get his hands dirty by directly interfering with other Organization members unless something big happens so he called us together for a meeting to complain about Vexen-

**Namine: Xaldin, this story is supposed to be about Larxene, remember?**

**Xaldin: I know that! If you'd stop interrupting, I could get to the point.**

So after the meeting, Xemnas decided the best way for us to help Vexen was to join him. So the ten of us-

**Namine: Ten?**

**Xaldin: Xemnas wouldn't go and Axel was already playing with Vexen. NOW STOP INTERRUPTING!**

So, the ten of us decided to join them for one of their video game frenzies. And a very unfortunate thing happened. We all got hooked. Soon we all became as devoted as Vexen with video games.

One day we were playing Axel's favorite game (FF VII). All twelve of us were stuffed into Vexen's room. We had just-

**Namine: I'm confused. You were all playing the game? AHHH! (**_**Dodges spear)**_

**Xaldin: SHUT UP!**

Vexen had stolen all thirteen of the Organization's television sets and put them in his room when he first got addicted to gaming. So we were all playing Final Fantasy VII.

**Namine: At the same time?**

Yes, at the same time. We're a very synchronized Organization. We had just gotten to the Forgotten Capital when-

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Demyx cried.

"What the HECK?" Xigbar said, "They just killed Aeris!"

"Her name is Aerith," Larxene said.

"No." Saix said, "I think we can all read. Her name is Aeris."

"Mistranslation," Larxene commented.

"No! I don't want to go into a boss battle!" Roxas protested, "Aeris just died!"

"Uh Vexen, man," Axel nudged Vexen who was in a fetal position on the floor, "The battle's starting."

"Aeris died!" Vexen sobbed.

"Aerith," Larxene muttered.

"WHO CARES?" Vexen cried.

"Hey. Better Aeris then Tifa," Axel said, "She's way more hot!"

"She's not dead," Larxene said, "And you don't have a heart Reno."

"I can still appreciate beauty," Axel fired back.

"She can't be alive," Zexion said, "No one could survive a thrust like that."

"And her materia fell out," Lexaeus replied, "That must be symbolic."

"I can't believe she's dead!" Vexen wiped tears off his face.

"Oh my GOSH!" Larxene shouted, "It's a game! It's not real! The real Aerith is alive."

We all turned to look at her, "What?"

"She's in Hollow Bastian," Larxene slapped her forehead with her hand. "IT'S JUST A COMPUTER GENERATED FANTASY!" And with that she stormed out of the room.

"Wow," Axel muttered.

"I don't know about you," Roxas said, "but she kind of ruined this for me."

Everyone nodded in agreement except for Vexen who seemed to have passed out at her declaration.

As we left Vexen's room Marluxia turned to me, "Did you get the feeling there was a double meaning in what she said?"

_Namine's Observations: Uh, get a life Xaldin? And stop with the obsessive spear throwing!_

**Ok that's it. The quote, "It's just a computer generated fantasy is from Star Trek." Did anyone get what Larxene's double meaning was? Please R+R! Or else no more funny Organization stories. Hope you liked this latest chapter!**


	5. Shopping

**Eh, hi guys…so, are you still out there? I know it's been a while but you would not BELIEVE the writers block I had on this chapter. I could NOT figure out where I wanted to go with this. The good news is not only did I come up with the idea for this chapter but I've got the next two ideas ready to go too. I haven't written them yet but it shouldn't take me that long to update. Then again, maybe not. I've got midterms next week so cross your fingers, yuck. **

**Dang! I'm having the best smoothie right now! Wow, how is that relevant?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did I would be suffering massively from having to choose between Riku and Axel.**

**Naminé: Hi Vexen! How are you…?**

**Vexen: **_**Sob**_

**Naminé: Uh, is everything all right Vexen?**

**Vexen: No! Nothing will ever be right again!**

**Naminé: You wanna tell me what's wrong?**

**Vexen: It seems I have no choice.**

It all started when Axel and a made our weekly shopping trip down to Cid's Grocers to pick up the groceries Superior sent us to pick up. I have no idea why I am always in charge of these shopping trips but it gets rather annoying having to go down there every week and pick up these stupid _items._

"Now let's see," Axel said, "Xemnas wants a box of lucky charms (Roxas ate the last box), Xigbar wants a new razor (I don't know why, he can't grow facial hair to save his life), Xigbar wants cotton breeze deodorant (HA!), you want-"

I interrupted him, "We also need to pick up celery, apples, carrots, milk, cheese, eggs-"

"You want herbal essence _shampoo and conditioner?_" he said.

I don't see why it was his business in the first place. After all I don't try to get all in his business but Axel couldn't keep to himself if he wanted too, "It's what keeps my hair nice and soft. You ought to try it."

Axel sniggered, "Right then. Lexaeus wants some eggo waffles (no wonder he never speaks to me, I stole his eggos that one time), Zexion wants nachos (so that's what emo people eat), Saîx wants raw steak (eww!), I want-"

"Let me guess? Hair gel?"

"Extra strong-extra sexy hair gel! You see there's this new formula that-"

"I don't care!" I snapped.

"Well fine! Demyx wants spring water (dude, why can't he just drink out of the faucet like I do), Luxord wants a new deck of cards (come on, he just got a new one last week), Marluxia wants a bag of whole carrots (what, does he want to feed deer with them), and Larxene wants Midol (what the heck is that? Sounds like man-Tylenol), and feminine products? What's that, Vex?"

Why does he think I would know? "I have no idea. Why should I?"

"You're kinda girly," Axel said. How dare he? If fire didn't melt ice I would completely freeze his

**Naminé: Um, Vexen? The point?**

Ah, yes. "Maybe we should just tell them they were all out?" Axel mused.

That was a BRILLIANT idea, "_Right_. Remember the last time Xigbar and I went shopping for her and the store was out of chocolate?"

Axel grimaced, "Ouch. On the up side, Xig did always wanna be a pirate. Maybe we should just ask someone?"

That seemed, oddly enough, like a rather good idea so I turned to ask an old man examining the mangos, "Excuse me, sir? Might I interrupt your mango inspection and ask you where the feminine products are?"

He didn't seem too pleased about that. He started ranting at the top of his lungs, "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, YOUNGSTER? YOU THINK YOU'RE CLEVER, EH? WHY I OUGHTA-" he raised his cane...

Luckily at this moment the man's daughter came along. "Honestly, Dad! I can't leave you alone for two minutes!" she turned to smile at me, "I'm so sorry for my father's behavior. Can I help you with anything?"

I decided to use this opportunity to prove to Axel that he's not the only one who can get girls, "Why yes, ma'am. Perchance you might. I was wondering if you might assist me and my read-headed companion in finding which isle the feminine products are?"

She looked at me with raised eyebrows for a second and then burst out in a fit of giggles. "I…think…" she held her stomach as she laughed, "they're…on…" she covered her mouth with her hand, unsuccessfully preventing a loud snort, "aisle five."

I looked at Axel, to see if he understood her behavior, but he only shrugged. "Thank you," I said and the two of us proceeded to aisle five. When I looked back she was still doubled over with giggling madness.

We reached aisle five with minimal difficulty. "Wow," Axel said, "She was a Looney." He continued down the aisle and froze. "Here it is feminine products. Tam-tamp-HOLY CRAP!"

I rolled my eyes, convinced Axel was overeating, "What?" I looked at the box and found it said T-A-M-P-O-N-S on it. I was going to freeze Xemnas in his own drool when I got home.

Axel picked up a box and tossed it to me, "You buy it!"

Of course. I wanted nothing more than to walk up to the checkout and purchase a box of tampons, "Absolutely not!" I told Axel.

But Axel swiftly grabbed the list from my hands, "Listen I'll take care of everything else. You just get the, uh, you know," he started running, "Meet you at the checkout in five! Thanks Vex."

That's right Axel, you better run! I stared at the box Axel had tossed at me and quickly put in back on the shelf. Who in Kingdom Hearts knew that there were so many stupid types of feminine products you could buy? There were pads and tampons, in a variety of sizes, scented and unscented (I don't even want to know), in a variety of brands. I had no idea what Larxene wanted and I wasn't going to stick around contemplating what to get her. Why couldn't she buy her own stupid feminine products? Then again…there was Xigbar's eye…

I turned to an elderly lady who was passing through the aisle. "Excuse me ma'am," Axel was so dead, "I'm not sure which feminine products to buy. What would you recommend?"

Surprisingly she didn't seem surprised that I would ask and simply smiled at me and patted my hand, "Oh dear," she cooed, "I would suggest the scented, overnight ones. I'd also buy the Melodious Nocturne brand. It's always worked for me."

I thanked her and quickly picked up a box of the you-know-whats. And rushed away. But as I left she took my hand and smiled, "You must feel so grown up." I gulped and nodded, unaware of what she meant-

**Naminé: **_**Snort **_**I think she thought you were a girl, Vexen.**

**Vexen: **_**Sob **_**I KNOW! STUPID WOMAN! FOR THAT I WILL TAKE HER HEART AND FORCE HER NOBODY TO DO MENIAL TASKS FOR ME!**

**Naminé: Uh, ok.**

I met Axel at the cashier, with a pile of things we didn't need. Honestly, Axel couldn't read the list if his life depended on it. But at that moment the list was the least of my worries. I quickly dropped the box on the conveyer belt and hurried to check out. Axel at that moment decided that he had forgotten to buy bubble gum and hurried off to get some.

I was contemplating different ways to kill Axel when the cashier interrupted my train of thought. "Excuse me sir?" he said in a sickening monotone, "You do realize that these are feminine products, don't you?"

I nodded and struggled to ignore the laugh of the man in line behind me and the look of disgust on the face of the woman behind him. I handed him a handful of munny and grabbed my bags. Just like a bolt of fate the bottom on one of the bags gave out and about twenty bottles of hair gel, a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, and that stupid box of _those things _tumbled out.

**Vexen: **_**Breaks out in tears **_**Stupid, stupid Larxene and her stupid girl ****needs!**

**Naminé: Was it bad?**

**Vexen: Only if you think the mocking laughter of hundreds of people is bad! Only if you like people either thinking you're a female, or very perverted male!**

**Naminé: I'm sure it wasn't that bad…**

**Vexen: I was a laughing stock! I can never show my face there again!**

And the worst part was that when we returned home to The Castle That Never Was, Axel offered to take the bag with Larxene's _things_ in them.

**Naminé: That was nice.**

I thought so too but that complete palooka! He marched right up to Larxene and said, "Larxene, are these okay?"

"Oh Axel," she said to him, "I have never met a man who was sensitive enough buy these. Thank you."

Larxene saying thank you. I thought I must have been dreaming.

Axel grinned stupidly, "Well Vexen didn't want to buy them but I knew you must have needed them if you put it on the list," He then produced a bottle of Midol, "I think you wanted this too?"

"Thanks Axel," Larxene said and gave him a swift kiss to the cheek. Axel turned to me and gave me a thumbs up.

I have no idea what was going on but I assume Larxene was suffering from loss of blood. I could only watch with an open mouth until Superior came along and asked me, "Where are my Lucky Charms?"

Naminé's observations: Well, I'm sensing that Vexen has some issue with…Oh, JUST GROW UP! TAMPONS! IT'S WHAT GIRLS USE! GET OVER IT! WE DON'T LIKE IT EITHER, BUT HONESTLY! Larxene kissed Axel, this sounds slightly strange and therefore I believe this is a hallucination generated by Vexen's fragile psyche. I recommend he become comfortable with buying things for girls by doing it over and over again (and if that fails hit him).

**Ok, that's it. Hope it was okay and worth the wait. School, writers block, and sickness are a horrible combo! Anyways, please R+R. I'll try and reply, if I don't I'm super sorry! Don't take it personal! Oh, I figured out how to do the é at the end of Naminé's name! YAY! **


	6. Phone Bills

**Hello. It's been a while, eh? Midterms finished last week and I was busy with papers this week. So it's been busy. I'm sorry it's taken so long. But I'm finally posting the next chapter to this story.**

**Thanks all of you for reading and reviewing. I love you all! **

**Disclaimer: Have you seen any recent headlines that say "College Student Buys Out Square Enix"? No? Didn't think so.**

**Note: Lexaeus' point of view, yes? Since he doesn't talk much this chapter is slightly irregular. But that's ok, right? Right?**

**Lexaeus: …**

**Naminé: Hello Lexaeus. I'm Naminé. The other members of Organization have told me that you're a little shy, so I just want you to know that this is a safe place.**

**Lexaeus: …**

**Naminé: O-kay. So…Let's just start with some yes and no questions. Many of your fellow organization members seem to have problems with Larxene. Do you have any problems with her?**

**Lexaeus: **_**nods**_

**Naminé: You want to tell me what it is?**

**Lexaeus: …**

**Naminé: All right, then. I guess not. So…Does Larxene have anything to do with why you don't talk?**

**Lexaeus: **_**nods**_

**Naminé: Ok. Well, do you want to tell me about it?**

**Lexaeus: … **_**pulls tape recorder out of his pocket and presses the PLAY button**_

_**Crackling sound and then voices start to fade in**_

**Xemnas: So, I called you all here to discuss something very important. We have a new Cell phone plan, here. Now, we have a total of 500 minutes every month, which should be more than enough. And if anyone goes over, I'll personally demote him.**

**Roxas: But I'm number 13. If you demoted me, wouldn't I be number 1?**

**Xemnas: If ****you**** go over I'll make you room with Saîx. **

**Roxas: **_**gulp **_**I won't go over. I have no one to call. Hehehe.**

**Xemnas: Got that all number four?**

**Unknown Voice: Yes Sir, superior.**

_**Naminé presses PAUSE**_

**Naminé: Who was that?**

**Lexaeus: **_**Points at self**_

**Naminé: You? So you talked once? Wait, Vexen is number four! Why-?**

**Lexaeus: **_**presses PLAY button**_

**Xemnas: Very good. This meeting is adjourned.**

_**Brief pause and then it fades back in:**_

**Lexaeus: Organization XIII Meeting number seventy-five. Time: 10 o'clock in the morning. Month of June. The twenty-first day.**

**Xemnas: Meeting topics for the day Saîx?**

**Saîx: Item number 1: World Domination. Item number 2: Activities for the week. Item number 3: Shopping List. Item number 4: Bathroom expansion. Item number 5: Cell phone plan. Item number 6: Use of Science lab. Item-**

_**Lexaeus presses the FAST FORWARD button**_

**Xemnas: And furthermore, Roxas is on bathroom duty this week.**

**Roxas: **_**groans**_

**Xemnas: Now, we move on to item number six: Cell phone plan. Number 2?**

**Xigbar: Yes, Superior?**

**Xemnas: Recite the number of minutes each member has acquired, starting with number 13.**

**Xigbar: Yes, Sir. Number 13: 12 minutes. Number 12: 0 minutes. Number 11: 67 minutes.**

**Number 10: 23 minutes. Number 9: 30 minutes. Number 8: 210 minutes. Number 7: 4 minutes. Number 6: 10 minutes. Number 5: 47 minutes. Number 4: 2,421 minutes.**

**Organization 13: **_**collective gasp**_

**Xigbar: Number 3: 5 minutes. Number 2: 118 minutes. Number 1: 82 minutes. All leading up to a grand total of 3,029 minutes.**

**Xemnas: **_**in a strained voice **_**And what is the extra cost for these **_**extra minutes?**_** Number 3?**

**Xaldin: We went over 2, 529 minutes, Superior. At 500 munny for every extra minute, we will be paying an additional 1,264,500 munny.**

**Xemnas: WHAT!!!?**

**Xigbar: Meeting adjourned. Run for it Lexaeus!**

_**Tape recorder stops**_

**Naminé: Wow. I still don't get what that has to do with Larxene…**

**Lexaeus: **_**makes frantic gestures**_

**Naminé: I don't understand…**

**Lexaeus: **_**seizes Naminé's notebook and exchanges it with a dirty napkin**_

**Naminé: Wait. The phones were switched?**

**Lexaeus: **_**nods**_

**Naminé: And Larxene was the one who used yours?**

**Lexaeus:**_** nods, faster**_

**Naminé: So Xemnas demoted you and made you number 5?**

**Lexaeus: **_**puts finger on nose, then mimes talking**_

**Naminé: You were talking?**

**Lexaeus: **_**shakes his head and mimes shutting up with his left hand while holding his right hand in the air**_

**Naminé: So you stopped talking? No. You took an oath not to talk?!**

**Lexaeus: **_**nods, furiously**_

**Naminé: **_**completely understands now **_**So after you took this oath, your minutes still went up. But Xemnas knew it couldn't have been you because you took a vow of silence. So Larxene's scheme was found out!**

**Lexaeus: **_**nods and gives Naminé thumbs up**_

**Naminé: But then when you tried to talk, you found you couldn't because you hadn't talked for so long! Right?**

**Lexaeus: **_**jumps up and spreads his arms open **_**YES!!!**

**Naminé: **_**looks at him with wide eyes **_**Did you just…talk?**

**Lexaeus: **_**makes a mad dash for the door **_**Bye!**

_Naminé's observations: Um, I think this might have been a mistake. I am NOT here to play twenty questions! GOSH! I recommend, I new cell phone plan for one. And therapeutic talking. Use your words, Lexaeus. _

**All right that was all. FYI Lexaeus could talk all along he was just faking it because he didn't want Naminé to find his deep, dark secrets. ******** Please R+R! Hope you liked it. Thanks again for all the reviews.**

**PS~For anyone who is a fan of FFX, I wrote a oneshot in honor of my twenty-fifth review for this story. It's called WHY I SMILE. So you should check it out. Gracias!**


	7. New Book Smell

**Hey guys. ****Hides behind truck***** It's been even longer. I know I said I had an idea for this chapter but I was thinking ahead to Saîx. Stupid Zexion. Stupid chapter. But I've been feeling horrible about not updating, especially because I keep getting reviews. Also, I just don't find anything I write funny. So if this chapter isn't too good, I'm sorry. I fail. :(**

**Disclaimer: If I owned kingdom hearts, I wouldn't be having such massive writers block, thank you very much. **

**PS-Thank you all for the reviews, story alerts, author alerts, etc. They mean so much to me. It's like getting a big cookie from you guys. Cookies are good. Yum.**

**Chapter 7: The Wallet ****(As told by Zexion, you know in case you forgot)**

I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate Larxene. She is the bane of my existence. She was the bane of my existence the first day I met her. I had been saving up munny for almost a year, endlessly picking the change out of Superior's pockets when I did the laundry. Superior ordered me head launderer of the castle and while the job is the vilest chore in existence, it pays off.

I had been saving money for a new dictionary. You would think with all the power the Organization has we could just "acquire" one, but in the dozens of worlds we've visited I have not found one dictionary. Even the castle of the Beast, which I'm told has one of the finest libraries in the world, has not a book to be found.

After I met with miserable failure in acquiring a dictionary, I did what all people in search of a rare item would do.

**Naminé: Go to Gamespot for cheat codes?**

No, but I will keep that in mind. I went to the Internet. The Internet is a wonderful place, as long as you stay away from deviantart, where they seem to take pleasure in pairing me with Number V.

**Naminé: Tell me about it. Everywhere I go on the Internet they try to pair me with Kairi. **

Really? I always saw you as a soul mate for Axel.

**Naminé: ****not listening***** Kairi and I are the same person, people! **

"To Love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

**Naminé: Eww.**

Getting back to the point, I found a wonderful dictionary on the Internet for only 16,000 munny. For all the use I was going to get out of that blessed book of knowledge, I knew it would be well worth it.

When I finally found the last 100 munny I needed in Superior's pockets, I rushed upstairs to place my order.

Unfortunately that was the same day our new recruit arrived. The femme fatale, Savage Nymph, bane of my existence: Larxene. Oh curse the day.

"Zexion," Superior greeted me, "I would like to introduce you to our newest member: Number XII. Larxene."

Living with 10 other men makes you long for the sight of a woman, and if I say so myself, Larxene wasn't entirely bad looking. In fact, to my female deprived mind, one might say she was beautiful. "Pleased to meet you, Larxene."

She giggled and batted her eyelashes, "So you're Zexion? Superior's told me _ever_ so much about you. You must be _really_ smart."

"Well, Vexen is the castle scientist, but I fancy that I have intelligence superior to his…"

She took my arm and smiled, "Oh you're so modest. I can tell that you're the smartest one here. I'd love to get the chance to hear all of your _fascinating _theories."

I had no idea what I had done to deserve such flattery, but I was blinded by her female wiles. "Why yes, if you would just step upstairs, I would be happy to discuss..."

"Wait a minute," Superior interrupted, "I just took a fresh load of laundry down to the laundry room. I need it done. Now."

Why Superior needs 12 black cloaks to be clean now is beyond me. "Some other time," I told Larxene.

She stuck out her lower lip. "Oh. But I was _so_ looking forward to it. I mean…" here she paused and looked at Superior.

_Please man, have mercy, _I thought. But you don't get to be the leader of Organization XIII and the Final Boss of Kingdom Hearts II by being merciful. He didn't budge.

"I guess if it's urgent," she finally said. "As long as you give me a hug before you go."

I'm not a huggy person but when you've been living for practically forever where the only person to hug is Axel you are bound to go a bit crazy. So of course I obliged her. Then I went downstairs and did Superior's laundry. 12 Organization cloaks and a basket full of King Mickey underwear. Do you have any idea what that's like?

**Naminé: Did you say King Mickey underwear? But why-?**

Superior has his deeply complex reasons, mainly because it was on sale, but that's not the point. I remember thinking that it was all going to be worth it once I went upstairs and ordered my dictionary. I reached in my pocket to take out the money I had saved for so long and do you know what I found? NOTHING!!!

At first I assumed I had misplaced it. After all I could have simply set it down somewhere and… But no I had it with me when I walked upstairs. And the only people I met on the stairs were Superior and Larxene. And the only one close enough to take it was…but no it was impossible. How had she known?

I questioned the other members of the Organization, and finally determined that Demyx knew something. I began my brutal questioning of Demyx for the truth-

**Naminé: What did you do, hit him with a book?**

No. Locked him in a room for hours until he felt the pressing need to use the Organization's one restroom, and continually repeated, "Dance water, dance."

**Naminé: That's not very nice.**

Demyx revealed that he had let it slip that I had raised 16,000 munny for a dictionary. The traitor.

I rushed to Larxene's room to claim back my hard earned munny. Bursting through the door, I found her sitting on her bed, fingering a new dictionary.

Relief coursed through my body. She had just ordered it for me. I thanked her for her trouble and reached out my hand to take it.

She giggled. "This? This isn't a new dictionary. What it really is, is…think of it as a new _toy_." And with that she tossed the book in the air and sent a large bolt of lighting right through the middle.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY?!" SHE RUINED IT! ALL MY PLANNING AND HARD WORK! I WASHED XALDIN'S UNDERWEAR FOR THAT?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH FOR THAT BOOK?!

**Naminé: I can see you're upset…**

And to add insult to injury Larxene used the charred pages of the book to line the floor of Demxy's room, with the excuse of "paper training" him. I never even got to finger the pages of that book. I never even got to touch it. It was…so beautiful…

**Naminé: O-kay. Well…**

Bright and shiny. Red. New ink. The smell of fresh paper. New book smell. There's nothing like it. I love to smell books. They smell good.

_Naminé's Observations: HELP ME! THEY'RE ALL CRAZY!!! HE LIKES TO SMELL BOOKS? There's just…nothing I can say._

**Ok, that was it. Terrible, I know, but I finished it. Actually it wasn't as bad as I thought. Poor Zexion. Larxene can be a meanie. Please R+R and I'll TRY to get back to you. If I don't it's not because I hate you, it's because I forgot. Sorry. ******


	8. Interludes

**I'm a terrible person. (hides in emo corner with Roxas. So I'm posting a short little intermission. I feel terrible; you all write nice reviews and favorite my story and the guilt keeps stacking up. But curse Saîx and his chapter. It eludes me so! So this is not his chapter, just a short intermission. Maybe I will post it soon. I hope I can. Keep pestering me, seriously. Eventually my heart feels the guilt. I've been working on ideas for some other pieces, so this one has been the last on my mind, but for some reason people seem to like it…I love you guys.**

**A side note: Thank you guys soooooo much for reviewing. You're awesome and the reason I write. I try to respond to my reviews, and if I haven't I'm terribly sorry! =(It's not purposeful (is that proper grammar?).**

**Disclaimer: If I owned I'd have a party. And invite all my lovely readers. **

**Naminé's Top 13 Tips For Nobodies**

When picking a nobody name, make sure it is not an anagram of man sex

2. When carving strange marks into your face, make sure that they cannot be

perceived as a sign of fanatical devotion to your superior.

3. If you have pink hair and power over flowers, it's your own fault if people mistake you for a girl …

4. Evil does not pay, but it does get you scores of fangirls

5. Black cloaks are the new overlarge shoes

6. Telling a potential boyfriend that he was not meant to exist does not impress

7. Do not do Larxene's shopping. End of story. If she approaches you with a shopping list run now, run fast

8. Do not feed Xaldin beans…

9. Stay away from Larxene and Saîx at "that time of the month"

10. Electrocution works almost as well as hair gel

11. Strange hairstyles are a must…

12. Xemnas must always have his Lucky Charms if he is to be agreeable in the morning. Likewise, Vexen needs his coffee and Larxene needs her chocolate.

13. Stay away from angry heroes with keyblades

_Follow these rules and you should have a happy and prosperous career as a nobody._

_-Naminé_

**Twins?**

"So," Sora began, "can you feel her inside you?"

"Naminé?" Kairi asked. "No. Can you feel Roxas?"

"I don't think so. Sometimes I think I do but my mom tells me that's just hormones."

"Why do you ask?" she said.

"Well I was just wondering if they get to spend every day together. You know, since we do and all," the keyblade master replied.

"I hope so! They were so cute together!"

Riku rolled his eyes. "Roxas was born when Sora became a heartless, and Naminé was born when Sora released Kairi's heart."

Kairi paused. "That would mean they both came from Sora's body, right Riku?"

Riku nodded.

"Which would make them twins, right?" Sora concluded.

There was a long pause.

**Kairi's Guide To Kidnapping**

_If you're a princess of heart, sooner or later you're bound to be kidnapped. This guide will show you what to do if that does happen._

Step One: Allow the male allies to throw themselves at the kidnapper, in an effort to protect you. If you have no male allies around, skip to step 2. If alone when kidnapped, proceed to step 3.

Step Two: Allow female allies to stand in front of you, but not close enough to be harmed by attacker. If alone when kidnapped, proceed to step 3.

Step Three: Dig heels into the ground. This should slow down your assailant.

Step Four: Now it's time for audio protests. Repeatedly cry, "Let go of me!"

_If you have followed the above steps, you will…probably still be kidnapped…but the point is that now you can be saved be a sexy hero. _

**Sora: ***_reading over Kairi's shoulder*_ But Kairi! Weren't you saved by Naminé?

**Chores**

Organization XIII: Chores List, Monday, November 2

Xigbar: Sweep entire castle

Xaldin: Empty Garbage

Vexen: Kitchen cleanup

Lexaeus: Food Preparation

Zexion: Dusting

Saîx: Vacuuming 

Axel: Weapons Maintenance

Demyx: Dishes

Luxord: Bathroom cleanup

Marluxia: Weed Garden

Larxene: Mow Front Yard

Roxas: Laundry 

"I knew I shouldn't have called him Mansex," Xigbar mumbled as he looked over the list.

"Laundry again?" Roxas moaned. "What did I do to deserve this? If I have to get through one more load of sweaty cloaks, used underwear, and Larxene's… things, well I'll puke."

"I'll switch anytime," Luxord told the keyblade bearer. "Do you have any idea how filthy that bathroom gets after thirteen people use it?"

"Why does Larxene get to mow the front yard? We don't even have a front yard," Demyx groaned.

"We don't have back yard either," Xigbar pointed out.

"Well then why-" Roxas began.

"Roxas, Roxas, Roxas," his spiky haired friend patted him on the back. "Haven't you ever learned? You have to keep your women happy. Because when they aren't well…"

Larxene skipped by and looked at the list. "Wow. Mowing the front yard _again?_ I must be really good at this." She smiled at her companions and headed back to whatever horrors she had been committing.

"I got this one," Saîx told Xaldin and he pointed to a large scar on his arm, "for telling her to do laundry."

Roxas moaned.

**Well what do you think? How will Roxas cope with laundry? Will Xemnas ever get a front yard? Or a back one for that matter? What horrors will Larxene do to Saîx next chapter?**

**Thanks for reading. Please read and review. Criticism is welcome. **


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